The Way to Apologize #3

* If the person is willing to talk to you about making amends, see this as an opportunity. If you've forgotten your wife's birthday, for instance, you might decide to celebrate another night and make it extra wonderful and romantic. This won't relieve you of responsibility for remembering the next important occasion, of course, but it will show that you're willing to take special time and effort.

* One apology will often cause another, either from you for something else you realized you are sorry for, or from the other person because they realize the conflict was mutual. Be prepared to forgive.

* A proper apology is always about the injured party. Keep your apology focused on the actual wrong done, and the recipient.

* Don't keep asking if he or she is mad at you. This puts the focus back on you, and makes you sound impatient and selfish. Just as it takes time to heal, it can take time to forgive.

Remember !!!

* Sometimes attempted apologies turn into a rehash of the same argument you wanted to amend. Be very careful not to re-argue any topics or open any old wounds.

* Don't be too surprised (or suspicious) if you are forgiven. Take people at their word, just like they took your apology.

* Don't apologize unless you really mean it. You can spot a false apologies from a mile away, and so can others.

* Even if you feel that the conflict was partly because of the other person's miscommunication, do not say so in the middle of your apology. At most, mention briefly that the other person can help you avoid misunderstandings by reminding you when you step out of line, and apologize again for the hurt you caused.

* Do not talk about about how bad you feel. The apology is not about your guilt, your shame, your fear of rejection, your anxiety or your loneliness while waiting to be forgiven. It is about the other person - remember that, even if it seems to be taking them a long time to forgive you.

* Never assume that the injured party is "punishing" you by taking time to forgive you, but watch for warning signs that they will hold a grudge forever. If you hear the words "I'm not going to let you forget this," or "I'll be your friend again, but this will change our friendship forever," listen to your gut, and consider letting the relationship go.